Tuesday, June 22, 2004

A Bad Day


I was debating whether or not to make the title of this "Getting dumped was not the worst part of my Monday", but since I'm no longer really sure which was worse I'll just go with "A Bad Day". (It's always hard to put an appropriate metric on emotional pain and distress, so it's left as an exercise to the reader to do just that).

First off, let's deal with the other thing... I finally got a response to the letter I wrote to Jaime. I had to actually write a letter and mail it because she no longer responds to any of my, or other family members requests to communicate. She even went so far as to leave a Father's day message for my dad at work so that she could fulfill her duties as a daughter, and yet not have to actually interact with him. I am dissapointed (though no longer surprised) by her cowardice on these matters. At least she knows how to get in contact with us if she ever needs it.

Anyway, back to the letter...So I wrote her care of where she said she works. The thing is that I got a response back now to the effect of "I'm not your sister, there are many Jaime Peters out there, what was it that made you contact me." Now this scares me. It means that she lied (and well I might add as my cursory checks seemed to verify the validity of her claims). It also means that I have absolutely no way to get in contact with her. Of course I called a couple of times today and just missed the Jamie that works there, and from what was told to me, I now am not sure whether or not to believe the letter. I really hope that she's alright, but it's harder all the time to deal with this.

And onto the other thing that fucked up my Monday. Apparently I don't have any chemistry with Mary. Now I'm not entirely sure where this comes from, but my greatest suspicion is that it comes from the fact that I'm a bit shy and reserved, and tend not to push the more physical side of a relationship. Now part of that comes from respect and fear on my part. Respect for who I am with as a person. And fear that I will offend them by going too far. Granted that these are things that might be dealt with in time, and I might be capable of overcoming, but the problem is that I don't know if I can continue to deal with the pain.

I don't know if I have the strength in me to endure what it would take to build up the emotional callouses that I would need to be in a proper relationship. I'm sure that these are things that I should have learned in high school (where I was a geek) or college (where I was a geek and had an excuse of there being few women around). And even after school I still refused to work very hard at dating. I think that in the back of my mind I knew the pain that comes from it and just didn't want to deal with it. I hid in a world of "when it's meant to be it will happen" where I could rationalize hiding from emotional pain with faith in fate.

And the worst part of all this is that I didn't even realize that I was getting so close to her. I didn't even see this coming. I should have of course, because I was just getting to the point where I thought things were going well. I was willing to talk with friends about her because I stopped waiting for the other shoe to fall and hear that she wasn't interrested. I just had gotten to the point where I would rather be with her than not (which since I'm a bit introverted feels like the critical cusp to me).

So I've been a bit down the last 30 hours or so... So much in fact I went and shaved off my goatee in as close to an act of self mutilation as I can do. Of course no one recognized that fact. Few of my friends even noticed that big a change. Now of course these are guys, and guys are bad at noticing things, but this was a big change. I lost like 5 years in how old I look. And no one asked me why today. I understand not being immediatly taken aback, or being unsure of exactly what the change was, but no one even bothered to ask me what purpose it served. And so of course no one gets that it was almost an act of violence against who I was, and an attempt to change and get rid of that person.

Of course I did enjoy the look on Tolles face when he wanted to compliment me, wanted to say that the change would be good for me in the long term since it would keep me from being immediately placed in the freak, anarchist bin when I talked to people, but he couldn't because he knows that I there is a pride that I and others take in forcing others to put us in that mental bin. At least that's what I interpreted his look to mean. I could be wrong (to turn a Dennis Miller phrase).


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